For the last two years I’ve been working harder and smarter than I ever have. I think I’m naturally hardworking because I believe in myself, but I think I work just a little bit harder because I want others to believe in me. There’s two sides to me. One side says, “wow you’re really doing what you love full-time. How cool is that?” The other side says “you work hard and can do anything you want. Why is this a surprise?” I always have weird mind battles in my head. I think it’s the curse of being a Gemini.
Currently I’m wondering, why are the people closest to us the very last to support us or tell us “good job”?
I don’t really believe in haters. I believe that there’s always an underlying emotion to someone that “hates” on another person.
When the people you love the most don’t support you, I think it’s because:
- You didn’t choose the path they thought was “right”.
- They know you so well (including the bad), so they’re shocked you can succeed with your flaws.
I mean look at me. I started drinking when I was 15, and I was pretty much a kleptomaniac. I thought I was going to be a journalist. I couldn’t excel scholastically when I left community college to attend a large university. So when the people closest to me knew all these things about me, they’re first thought wasn’t “that girl is going to do well.” It was more like “you need to straighten up your life, and follow the traditional definition of success to do well.”
Then when I do well (or even better) by my own terms, it’s not good enough for them. Quite frankly, it makes them uncomfortable.
Imagine you have a friend that’s been overweight for as long as you’ve known them. You tell them “you can go lose 10 pounds by running a 2 miles a day for two weeks.” When you see them, they’re doing jumping jacks and lunges instead. Are you annoyed that they chose a different way to be successful in their weight loss journey? Does it make you mad that they lost 10 pounds in three weeks instead of two? Are you unsupportive because they didn’t do it your way and “wasted” a week? This is the analogy I think of when our loved ones don’t acknowledge our results. Many times the focus is more so on how and when we got there rather than appreciating the fact that we just got there.
How do we handle lack of support by our loved ones?
We have to understand that we can only influence how people view us, but we cannot control them.
We can say “Hey, it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledged my results.” Or we can just say “screw what they think of me. The success will happen either way.” I believe that acknowledgement is a form of acceptance. While we can walk around with the “screw you” attitude, we all really just want a little love and support.
Sometimes I don’t think our loved ones realize how much their words impact us. Even if they’re not saying anything negative, sometimes the lack of encouragement is negativity within itself.
I believe people’s lack of support has more to do with them than it has to do with you. For a while I thought “am I not good enough?”
Many people hold onto your past, subconsciously use it against you, and project those things into your future.
[Tweet “Many people hold onto your past and subconsciously use it against you.”]
They don’t choose to recognize results. I don’t even think it’s important for them to acknowledge effort because real effort garners real results.
[Tweet “Real effort garners real results.”]
So anyway. For a long time I had been feeling like if I’m not something to be proud of then I’m something to be disappointed of. And that’s a depressing feeling. No one wants to be a disappointment. For years, it seemed like getting a “good job” out of my dad was like pulling teeth.
Growing up he would always say “people that succeed without school are the exception.” So you know what I used to think? I can’t succeed without school. I thought that I would never be exceptional or good enough until I got my degree. Then one day I said to myself (and him) “I am the exception.” I was too busy trying to fit the traditional mold of success that I couldn’t see my own exceptional potential. I would avoid sharing the “wins” and “successes” of my business with my dad because I thought it was never good enough [for him]. If my success didn’t come with a degree, it wasn’t REALLY successful.
Lately my sister has been so proud of me so she suggested I send him January’s income report. If I sent my dad an income report saying I made $573,792,073, it wouldn’t be as good as showing him a $2,804 paycheck next to a college degree. By his one word email response it’s obvious he wasn’t moved by the results. So I said “did you even bother to read it?” (Because I’m curious if he’s even paying attention.
My mini attitude was the equivalent of a “stop being mean and for once tell me you’re proud.” And I was totally shocked by the response.
I don’t agree with everything he said but wow. “I have always believed in you. More than you know.” Well yeah… I didn’t know because I’ve never heard it.
“I have followed some of your postings…” Whaaat? You read my blog?
“…amazed how much wisdom you exude and did not think I had much to add as you are on the right course.”
There it is right there. I’m doing so well that he didn’t think it needed to be said.
Here’s the issue.
If you’re going to make a comment on everything you disagree with, you could at least balance it out with remarks of encouragement based on what you DO agree with.
So here it is my precious reader. You got this. And I know it’s the same as hearing it from someone who’s known you your whole life, but you’re amazing. Continue believing in yourself.
You’re exceptional.
Your hard work isn’t in vein. People are quietly watching.
Thanks so much for this. It speaks to me on such a deep level because I experienced the same thing. I can relate so, so much because my father is the exact same way. The only difference is that for a long time, I didn’t even know there was an exception. It was school or military and I had no other options. What I was doing never felt wrong because I didn’t know anything else. Now that I’m done with college and I’ve got a few years of work experience under my belt, I realize now that it’s not what I want and that there are other options out there — but it’s kinda too late. It’s definitely something I wish I had when I was younger — the knowledge that I did have other options out there. That I could start my own business. That I could make my own way.
Also, I think a lot of the times when people closest to you don’t know support, it’s because they’re afraid for you. Or, sometimes it’s just because they’ve never seen anyone do what you’re trying to do (and they probably couldn’t do it themselves), so to them it’s not possible.
It’s a very hard thing to dig out of, especially when you’re not sure if you’re good enough, like you mentioned. I’m so glad you were able to prove people wrong!
Wow, Tanea! Thanks so much for your transparency. It’s never EVER too late. Everything you’ve been doing up until this point have just been experiences that have helped you decide what you love and don’t love. It’s all a set up to the amazing person you are and will grow into. You were the exception without realizing you were the exception.
I agree – I think with my father, the lack of support came from a place of concern and love (in it’s own weird way.) Even though it can be hurtful, I don’t think lack of support and encouragement comes from a place of malice. It’s easier to support what you know, what you’ve lived and what you have witnessed! Thank you for your comment.
This is amazing! Thank you…
Thanks YOU, Shaquinta. Your ongoing support means so much to me!
Fortunately I haven’t had to deal with this from my parents at all, but lately, I have been having a lot of conversations around this topic as it relates to friends. I think that sometimes we expect more support in the form of involvement from friends, but I’m realizing that a lot of times when it’s YOUR baby, no one else will have the same passion for it that you do. That is, at least, until your doing something to grab their attention 😉
You are completely right, Joy! I don’t expect my friends or family to be as passionate about design and business as I am!
This is just so spot on. Thanks for this today! 🙂
Glad this was helpful, Katherine! Thank you for reading.
What an awesome and real post. It’s so nice to get support from your loved ones on the work you put behind passion. Early on, when I first started my blog about a year ago, my friend and some family members didn’t seem to care. I, too, am a gemini so I thought about the situation 2 ways. 1) I shouldn’t take their lack of support personal or 2) they’re not interested in what I’m doing! I decided to roll with #1 for the sake of my feelings. I guess, as long as we’re making ourselves proud, that should be the real focus and because we know how it feels to not be supported, we should make sure to lend those kind words to others’ who are looking for support in their endeavors. Thanks for this thoughtful read!
–Mel // http://www.MAREVOLI.com
Thank you, Melody! It’s nice to have a fellow gemini understand my crazy though process! Kudos to taking the 1st approach. You have to have a really mature mindset to not be able to take things personally (especially when it’s something that’s so personal to you). I’ve finally learned how to do that myself! 🙂
Thanks for you comment, Melody! It takes a lot of maturity to not take things personally. So glad you went with that route! A great reminder that your purpose, passion and success is for you and the audience you’re meant to serve. If anyone doesn’t support it, it’s not for them. 🙂
This topic relates directly to my life! I am a new blog starter from Raleigh NC and the amount of support that I have received is crazy! But the people who call themselves my best friend, won’t even like a picture on facebook…or they get an attitude when others compliment me on my new blog post. It is the most frustrating thing I’ve had to deal with. I am so passionate about other peoples purpose, and I guess I expect people to do the same. And that is just not realistic right now. I am working as hard as I’ve ever been, trying to make the best out of life and my new business ventures…I just wish some of my friends saw the same thing!
My issue is, if they are a real friend, wouldn’t they come up to you and say, Hey! I’m not really a fan of your blog? I just don’t know what else I can do. I think it is so strange how you are supposed to be someones best friend, but they can’t even like a picture on your business instagram, or help suport you? Am I being too picky, or expecting too much? If that’s your best friend!
Hey, Marlowe! I completely understand how frustrating it is when the people you love most don’t seem to support you. It’s important that you measure what “support” means to you. Support to me means they encourage you and believe in you to be successful… even if they don’t like your pictures on Instagram. There’s people that will communicate with you online all day and secretly pray for your downfall. If you notice that your friends aren’t verbally routing for you to succeed in your dreams, you may need to speak with them and/or re-evaluate the friendship!
Thank you so much for this post. I needed to read it. Although some of my friends and family support my freelance career as a makeup artist some just think it’s a hobby or side hustle. Granted I’m not doing it full time but my goal is to eventually become a full time freelancer. I have some family members and friends still asking me when am I going to get my masters. Yet I can’t even get them to share my work w/o having to be asked. It’s frustrating but I keep my feelings to myself and keep grinding. I refuse for anyone to hamper my dreams.
Spot on, Maya. In my experience, loved ones tend to reject any ideas they don’t understand. Or if you appear TOO passionate about your newest business adventure. It’s human nature to fiercely protect the people you love. They want to protect us from the disappointment of failure. I love your analogy “Are you mad they lost the weight in 3 weeks instead of two?”
Here’s the thing, though. When you reach success, they suddenly become your biggest supporter. 3 weeks later, they’re asking “How many lunges did you do a day?” and tracking their own progress to duplicate the results.
And props to your sister (Mattie?) for encouraging you to share with your dad!! I love the response.
Spot on, Maya. In my experience, loved ones tend to reject any ideas they don’t understand. Or if you appear TOO passionate about your newest business adventure. It’s human nature to fiercely protect the people you love. They want to protect us from the disappointment of failure. I love your analogy “Are you mad they lost the weight in 3 weeks instead of two?”
Here’s the thing, though. When you reach success, they suddenly become your biggest supporter. 3 weeks later, they’re asking “How many lunges did you do a day?” and tracking their own progress to duplicate the results.
And props to your sister (Mattie?) for encouraging you to share with your dad!! I love the response.
This was so amazing. I am going through this right now with someone and he just doesn’t understand why I make the moves the way that I do and bypass the ways that he wants me to make them. I completely get it now. The whole “he will be ok” attitude has set in because I was tired of explaining myself and my moves. Only a few people in my circle get my vision and those that don’t always have something discouraging and negative to say. It has me to point of just moving in silence and not telling anyone anything. Your transparency is amazing Maya. I appreciate this post so much. Thank you for opening up and giving me that extra push to keep doing what I need to do for me.
This was so amazing. I am going through this right now with someone and he just doesn’t understand why I make the moves the way that I do and bypass the ways that he wants me to make them. I completely get it now. The whole “he will be ok” attitude has set in because I was tired of explaining myself and my moves. Only a few people in my circle get my vision and those that don’t always have something discouraging and negative to say. It has me to point of just moving in silence and not telling anyone anything. Your transparency is amazing Maya. I appreciate this post so much. Thank you for opening up and giving me that extra push to keep doing what I need to do for me.